Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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