I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
