i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
