I think I won the penis lottery.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
