She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
