saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
