I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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