I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
