i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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