from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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