I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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