Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
