And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
