I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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