I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
