Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What a dumb baby whore.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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