My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
