WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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