just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
