My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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