woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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