***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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