I heard we made out
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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