I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
