Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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