I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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