What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
