Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
