Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
