I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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