dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
