i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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