just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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