I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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