Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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