saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
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Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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