Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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