I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
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Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.