I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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