I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude