Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
