so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
