It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
