Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
