Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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