I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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