I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.