do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
