Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.