Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
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You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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