He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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