I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
