Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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