The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
