Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
