Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
