I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
