literally had 100 drinks last night.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
