So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
