Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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