Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
