2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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