If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
