So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
