i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
